Support time 第五集 人性本色
這封信是來自於一個妻子
她對於丈夫婚後
仍喜歡玩交友軟體這件事感到困惑
進而會檢查丈夫手機和詢問原因
但丈夫說這是他的紓壓方式
而且妻子讓他感到壓力大
其實這位丈夫自己
也對玩交友軟體這件事感到愧疚
有去看心理醫生尋求幫助
最後
這位妻子沒有得到一個
能說服自己的理由
因此寫信詢問
到底男人婚後玩交友軟體
是不是正常的?
我們試著來分析一下這件事情
在這個案例中
妻子對丈夫的期待
和實際狀況有落差
這通常代表我們對某件事
有著錯誤的期待需要修正
然而當這位妻子試圖釐清事實
卻得不到答案
後續的修正自然也就無從談起
首先她直接詢問丈夫答案
我認為願意溝通是個很好的開始
但要注意
人通常只有在感到安全時
才願意說出真實的想法
尤其是在我們的社會裡
婚後對於配偶以外異性的渴求
被認為是不道德的
所以這位丈夫
被妻子問到時
難以啟齒說明
而他也對自己的慾望感到羞愧
甚至去找了心理師
想釐清到底發生了什麼事
這個求助行為也做得很好
有時專業的協助是很重要的
進一步來說
如果夫妻雙方都感到困惑的話
找伴侶諮商會更有效果
或者是聽聽乙白老師
在啟點文化的節目
也可以增進
對經營親密關係的了解
也許在我們的社會裡
兩性教育仍不普及
或是被視為一種難以啟齒的事情
導致了人們對婚姻
仍然有一些刻板印象及誤解
例如兩人結了婚後
就會對伴侶以外的異性(或同性)
從此失去了興趣
也不會再看A片
話題回到這位姑娘的問題
到底男人婚後玩交友軟體
是不是正常的?
我想這問題其實是在問
我該不該把丈夫貼上偷吃的標籤?
有沒有一個標準可以用來衡量?
首先我想說
每段親密關係
都是由不同的人在一起
產生的獨一無二的狀態
沒有一種通用的社會標準
適用於每段關係
你們得要自己定義它
然而弔詭的事情來了
每場婚禮的新人
都需要給彼此承諾
但其實我們未必足夠了解自己
也未必足夠了解對方
只是習慣的套用對婚姻的刻板想像
把自己心中的理想型
套用在對方身上
對於自己內心的慾望
也想著應該忍忍就好了吧
殊不知每個人的慾望強度都不一樣
別人能做到的
未必自己也能做到
然後有一天
現實會掀開這塊遮羞布
讓人們得要重新正視自己的內心
雖然慾望常常被視為可恥的事情
但如果想要跟另一半繼續走下去
拿出來討論是很重要的
必要的時候 尋求專業的幫助
要知道
慾望本身不會傷害雙方的感情
反倒是隱瞞和欺騙
才是讓人切心的關鍵
題目參考來源:
男人玩交友軟體 莫名其妙EP156
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oheUeXVFfkk
–English version–
Support Time Ep5: Sexual Attraction
This letter is from a wife who felt confused because her husband often plays on dating apps. She checked his cell phone and asked him why, but he said it was a way for him to relax and that he felt stressed in the marriage. The husband also felt guilty and went to see a psychotherapist for help. In the end, the wife didn’t get a convincing reason, so she wrote this letter to ask: Is it normal for a man to use dating apps after getting married?
Let’s try to analyze this case. There is a significant gap between the wife’s expectations and reality. This usually indicates a misunderstanding or unrealistic expectations that need to be addressed. However, when the wife tried to figure out what was happening, she didn’t get a clear answer, making it difficult to proceed.
Initially, she asked her husband directly. Open communication is a good start, but people only speak the truth when they feel safe. Additionally, the desire for others after marriage is considered unethical in our society, making it hard for the husband to be honest.
On the other hand, the husband sought help from a psychotherapist, which is commendable. Sometimes, professional help is crucial. In this case, where both partners felt confused, couple’s counseling would be more beneficial. If the situation isn’t too severe, listening to psychological programs and learning about relationships can also help.
In our society, gentle education about these matters isn’t common yet, and discussing them is often embarrassing. As a result, people have stereotypes about marriage, such as losing interest in others or no longer watching porn after getting married.
Returning to the wife’s question: Is it normal for a man to use dating apps after getting married? She seems to be looking for a social standard to measure her husband’s behavior and decide if she should label him as cheating.
The first thing I want to tell her is that every close relationship is co-constructed by two people. There is no single standard that applies to every relationship; you have to define it yourselves.
However, the tricky part is that every couple makes vows to each other on their wedding day, but we might not know ourselves or our partners well enough. We project our imaginations onto our partners and believe we can suppress our natural desires. But everyone has different levels of desire. Just because others can do it doesn’t mean you can too. Eventually, the truth will come out, forcing people to face their hearts.
Although desires are usually considered shameful, discussing them is crucial if we want to stay with our partners. If needed, seeking professional help is important.
Remember, desire itself doesn’t harm love — concealment and deception do.